Monday, January 17, 2011

Lesson Two: The Power of the List

Today we were tasked (tasked? challenged? urged? inspired?) to begin thinking about the power of The List. We were asked to dig deep back onto our past and think of our dreams when we were children. Specifically, "Do you remember what simple, grand or silly thing you wanted to do or be when you were ten?"

I know- sweet right? But not for me. Immediate panic set over me. Immediate. See, while most ten year olds were dreaming of ballet slippers and astronaut helmets and fire trucks, I was living in a war zone. My house was a bad house. It was filled with fear and tears and slamming doors and bruises and abuse that would take years to admit and a lifetime to deal with. I didn't get to dream. I didn't dare dream. I spent all of my time surviving. I spent my time alone and numb and staring at nothing. It did not occur to me to dream while living in a nightmare.

Which, is why I am here. Now. I had always felt separate, off center, and not quite right. I felt that I was faking it being around others. They knew how to do it with ease- how to play- draw- sing-skip. But not me. I never understood why they did that. And I knew I was missing out. My childhood was not a childhood. So much so that it didn't occur to me to dream. To think of anything beyond the day, the hour, the moment. It would have broken my heart to have thought about years in advance, and those years also being miserable. So, I just didn't. I didn't believe in dreams, in myself. Which is why I am here. Now. 

So, I can't honestly answer what I dreamt of at age ten. Because I didn't. Which is why I am here. Now.

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